Monday, December 21, 2015

One More Poor Decision for 2015: Café Mocha M&M’s

The lack of pre-thought in asking a talented guest blogger to make an appearance on this blog is symbolic of the last twenty eight years of my life. Now you’re back to your regularly scheduled program and I’m staring at dinosaur sized shoes to fill. I wish that I had some kick ass product to review for you, which could outshine any previously written witty word like bacon infused butter sugar cookie cakes, but sadly you’d better buckle up.

You might remember back in September when I reviewed the Pumpkin Spice Latte M&M’s and my head was swimming with deliciousness overload. I really should have soaked it up then. Having dappled quite a bit in the confectionery pool, I was smart enough to recognize the candy for what it was – a welcomed addition to the seasonal line up. It’s not far fetched that I was evoking this favorable memory when I chose to buy the new Café Mocha M&M’s at Target. Sure, no pumpkin in the name but coffee was always that star of the old show anyhow so it was shaping up to be a good day.


It seems interesting to me that M&M’s chose to go the coffee route rather than something even more seasonal – I mean, why not do gingerbread or cookies and milk or something? Hell, I’m good for a minimum of five cups of coffee a day and we’re not just talking on Christmas. Besides the display of red and green, the background of the bag looks a lot like September’s bag and the star of this show appears to be the red M&M. Personally, I really enjoy the red M&M for how crotchety and upset he is all of the time. Hey Soul Brother, you and I are one in the same.

Opening the bag and taking a one large sniff, I don’t smell much of anything. This surprises me, as smelling coffee is nearly as satisfying as drinking it. I read a study years ago about rats who smelled coffee and fewer of the rats who were regularly subjected to taking a whiff  developed dementia as they aged. Sounds like a stretch, but not wanting to take any chances, I smell again. The bag is plenty full and I do feel like whatever I paid for this bag, at least they were kind enough to fill it up. Having read that these M&M’s are exclusively sold at Target, I was glad to have my attempted search be rewarded with a heavy bounty.


The M&M’s in the package are red and green. I have a relative who refuses to eat red M&M’s because she believes that the dye causes cancer, so happy holidays. Lucky for her, there's a disproportionate amount of green in my bag. Fortunate fate. My penchant for sugar laden processed foods makes the food dye concern a bit less prominent in my thought pattern and I take a bite. The first noticeable thing about these is the shape in my mouth, rather than any taste at all. These candies are plumper than their milk chocolate counterparts.


The balance of sugary coating is countered by the significant lump in the middle. As early as first bite, I feel awash with disappointment. This isn’t what I signed up for? I’m not even sure what the hell this tastes like. It’s not offensive, but it’s similar to sugary chocolate chalk and that’s not saying much. “Why is this crumbling in my mouth?” I ask myself, feeling grumpier than the Red M&M would in his commercials. It can’t be that these M&M’s are old, because they’re limited edition for Target, sold exclusively for this season. Without any knowledge if this is true, perhaps there’s instant coffee somehow mixed into the filling? Other blog writers mention there’s a nice coffee taste to this, but whatever they’re chewing, I sure didn’t buy because I’m at a loss.

To be frank with you, 95% of this bag is sitting in my office’s kitchen right now. There was no part of me that wanted to have any more than necessary to review these. It’s the holiday time and I’m unafraid of gorging myself with everything that my stomach desires, but I didn’t want to waste one more second on these than I had to. Mars, you're on my naughty list.

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