Sunday, December 13, 2015

Guest Blogger: What a clusterf.... : Reese's Clusters

Writing for my own food blog has been a dream of mine for the past five years. As somebody who usually feels inhibited to share their private thoughts freely with others, it was an understood stretch of my comfort zone. With the expectation that there would be barely any readership if any at all, it was always about working on my ability to express myself and an excuse to try new and exciting junk more than anything else.

What it’s turned into however has been an uplifting mini excitement to the otherwise monotony which is the standard week. As we reach the final weeks of this blog’s foreseeable life, it is to my sheer delight that I am able to feature a guest blogger who has held me accountable and encouraged me to keep up with this goal. If weeks go by without an update, I hear about it. If I need help with photos or finding the newest item, it’s there.  The best part about it was that it’s my goal and all of that encouragement is because it’s what I want. Blessed are the people who kick you in your ass, so you reach your own goals.

Suffering from unrelenting type A personality syndrome, both myself and the guest blogger were afraid of what I would think of the humor and content of the review, but I was and am absolutely confident that the author of this next piece if something of a junk food expert and free reign was given. I’ve made the mistake up through even my mid-twenties of demanding  the things I want from people on my terms, leading only into disappointment and let this be a much needed lesson to me that by letting people be themselves, sometimes you’re blown away. And no New York Times, the following blogger is not for hire for your Restaurant Review Section. 

Without edit or ado, please welcome the kind of flavor and hilarity that this blog is proud to feature:

We're pleased to interrupt your regular blog schedule with a new snack review perspective. My humble apologies to our lovely Blog Queen, but in all fairness, how practical is it to take snacking advice seriously when it comes from a cute petite little blonde girl. It's sort of like going to a dentist with bad teeth, or going to a life coach (life coach? that's a thing? Fucking really?) that's a few fries short of happy meal. What you need is a snack expert. Me. I'm an expert. My stomach proudly muffin tops over my jeans. Anything that enters the shadow of my butt instantly freezes cause there ain’t no sun ever getting past it. I can't make it to 11am without eating sugar. Pour it straight into my face hole. I once ate a vegetable...because it looked like a kit kat. When the doctor tries to take my blood white granulated sugar pours out. Snack expert status unlocked. My mom also says I'm special. So I'm that too. Yup.

Aforementioned petite little blonde girl loves to buy snacks. Whenever something new pops up she's into it and has to try it. Cool. Recently she alerted me to a new delicacy from the fine folks at Reese's. Introducing the Reese's Clusters. Why is it called a clusters. Marketing fail. Those fabulous people working in the dingy hallways of the Reese's company must not be from a particularly creative gene pool. So what the heck is it? Just the facts ma'am -- Creamy peanut butter, caramel, peanuts and pecans wrapped in milk chocolate. I'm the kind of person that inadvertently drools when he hears the crinkle of a candy wrapper. I don't care what's in the thing, give it to me...NOW.

Upon being handed the bag the first thing that stands out is my disappointment. It feels kind of light for a bag filled with what must be 50 Clusters. Upon opening the sack I retrieve my first victim. Individually wrapped and tiny. Really tiny. Like, I'm pretty sure this is the candy version of the subject of that song from '20 Fingers.' That name doesn't ringing a bell? Sing it with me now..."What in the world is that thing? Do you need some tweezers to put that thing away? That has got to be the smallest..." Get the fuck outta here. This thing is comically small.

Alright, size isn't everything...right?! Who cares, it's candy in my hand and I must eat it. The first bite impression is immediately reminiscent of a pecan turtle. My experienced tongue presses on further, the second wave indicates a smooth consistent peanut butter flavor that matches a typical peanut butter cup filling. The chemical reactions release hints and notes of flavors and textures...a little crunch, soft outer shell, a good mix of flavors, not too sweet, a slight hint of gooey caramel which quickly escapes back into the shadows to be undermined by the star of the show...the peanut butter. It all works together, this thing is good, not too sweet. Enough peanut butter taste to satisfy your peanut butter cravings, but not as powerful as the classic peanut butter cup. These things can often go downhill so what Reese's has done is actually impressive. Any time they mess with the ratio of contents things seem off (see Reese's peanut butter BIG cup). But the cluster, in all its tiny glory, avoids that same fate. It's got balance and hits all the marks. Good taste, classic peanut butter flavor, a little crunchy, satisfying caramel, and the chocolate to filling ratio is spot on. All in, and I'm impressed.

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