Tuesday, December 1, 2015

CRAPPER Jack Holdiay Sugar Cookie Popcorn

While everybody is busy fighting to put the Christ back into Christmas and overthrow Starbucks for their lack of religious festivity, I’m trying to make the most of my holiday season by gorging myself with holiday inspired edibles. I was never going to make Santa’s nice list anyway.

Growing up in a house filled with no sports or athletics, my relationship with Cracker Jacks has always been uncomplicated in the way that I never had one. Sure, I’ve tried them once or twice before but I have no fond memories, sitting in the bleachers, eating a boxful and then getting into a physical fight with my sibling over the prize.

Fast forward to where I’m old enough to be the parent of the kid eating the Cracker Jack’s and welcome to 2015. This year the self-declared “snack brand that America celebrates for over 120 years” has introduced Holiday Sugar Cookie Popcorn. Cookie flavored popcorn? Get out of town! Or maybe into town, to Norwalk so I can eat you.

The bag describes the treat as “Delicious holiday sugar cookie flavored coated popcorn decorated with holiday sprinkles.” Okay, that’s a lot for my mind to wrap my head around but so far no red flags. Perhaps hard to gauge from the picture, this isn’t a big bag. How shocking to me then to see that there are supposed eight servings in this bag? Are we using serving sizes from back 120 years ago? Color me baffled. Serving sizes aren’t my religion, so let’s move onward.

Opening up the bag, I’m greeted with two competing and distinctive scents, with popcorn being the most prominent. The second, lighter yet lingering scent is that of sugar. It’s pleasant and I’m excited. Looking at this popcorn, you can see the frosting coating on the kernels and they are quite hard to the touch. The coating isn’t even, but the beauty is in the festive sprinkles.

Not being able to wait any longer, I pop one into my mouth and yum. This sugar cookie popcorn is good. It’s not so different than caramel corn, because sugar is the most dominant flavor here. There is no particular flavor to the sprinkles and cookie isn’t the first flavor that comes to mind. That being said, I could see how it would be easy to polish off half of a box of this stuff.

As I continue to eat onwards, the sugar starts to overwhelm me. The flavor of the popcorn doesn’t become unpleasant, but the enjoyability starts to wane. After a little more than a handful, I voluntarily stop eating this. For any reader that knows me, that’s atypical. I love sugar in the sense that I am an addict of it and it’s a dark day when I don’t enjoy the delight of one of my oldest friends. This carb on carb action didn’t whet my whistle.

Overall, the idea of this was better than the execution in my personal opinion. Then I smile and think thank God there is a prize inside! The saving grace for this snack that I now possess 7.5 servings of and hope to never eat again. After digging around for what feels like a sticky eternity, I pull out my prize, specifically my “Holiday Prize” which I do not have to share with my butthead sister (love you.)

Opening it up and I am more heartbroken than any grown woman should be barring a divorce or the discontinuation of her favorite makeup brand. Cracker Jack, are you kidding me?! One gingerbread sticker? While millions of people are spreading holiday cheer, Cracker Jacks is doing their best to spread holiday disappointment and misery one prize at a time. I’d write them an angry letter, but this piece of junk only looks like a stamp. I’m glad I’m not a kid these days, because prizes like these would have me emotionally compromised well before it all started in my teenage years.

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