As a lifetime reader, I am continually
bombarded with proverbs warning me to seize the day, count my blessings and
manage my expectations. I spend hours each week reading and not only reading
but mulling over the contents of the books in my head as if to absorb some
deeper meaning. Since I spend so much time reading, you would think that I
would be impacted, no? Well apparently not. I’m the product that I’m about to
review’s fool. My hopes were sky high and the fall was brutal. Ick, flashbacks….
Blessed are those who have portion control. Having
self-control is like winning some type of behavioral lottery where you’re
actually in control of your actions and decision making. I can only imagine.
Summer is here and I am eating like the famine will be here any day now, so I
took it upon myself to review a lighter option this time around. I have no
problem eating more than one ice cream bar in a sitting and if they are only 100
calories each and there are 4 in the box, then I have no issue with the stigma
associated with eating an entire box either.
Yasso Frozen Greek Yogurt Chocolate Chip Cookie
Dough Bars have the type of labeling on the box where you actually feel good
about buying them. They’re high in protein, rBST-free (wtf), all natural ingredients
and the list goes on. I think they’re even some type of Kosher. I’m a huge fan
of cookie dough, so I was feeling optimistic coming home with this frozen
yogurt. Life looked good; my first attempt at being practical.
It was no surprise to me that the box was
light. I know what 100 calories of dessert is. It’s not much and it’s more a
tease than anything. The box feels like it’s filled with air and there are
supposed to be four bars in there. Stay tuned to find out why that was actually
a good thing.
The wrapper itself is cute - cheeky even. It’s
promising me that I won’t have any regrets unlike that haircut in college. The
company doesn’t know me. A bad haircut
would make all of my other college regrets look like a walk in the park, but I
digress. All I will say is that whoever chose “No regrets” as the slogan for
this frozen yogurt bar most certainly did not put this thing in their mouth.
For most of my desserts, I team it up with a
cup of black coffee. It’s not just insulin that my body has probably become
resistant to as a result from eating dessert so often. A lot of flavors are
dull to me, most likely because of how much sugar is in my diet. This photo
serves to show you exactly how small the frozen yogurt bar is. It’s smaller
than the circumference of the average coffee cup. One wouldn’t satisfy anybody
except for maybe a small child or somebody who is lactose intolerant and looking
for a tiny thrill.
Well let’s get on with it. I won’t lie. At
first, I absolutely was in love with this. The vanilla was cool and light and
there was nothing about the cookie dough that tasted low fat. Sure, the pieces
of cookie dough were small, but it’s 100 calories. You can’t pay $15 and stay
at the Ritz Carlton. There were probably three blissful moments where I
believed that these would become a common place in my freezer to balance out
all of the Ben & Jerry’s I eat.
But then, after three minutes and one second my mouth was bombarded with a terrible chemical taste and what felt like a light burn. There may have been a flash of panic across my face. I had nearly inhaled the entire bar when it came to this and I was stunned. How could this be? How could the tides turn in such an instant? Just when I was getting comfortable. I ran to the sink and started to rinse my mouth out, but the damage was done. I’ve searched reviews to see if anyone else has had this experience and while there are mixed reviews, nobody was as deeply disturbed palette-wise as I was. The other three bars were tossed into my trash. The first time in the history of my existence that I voluntarily disposed of ice cream. Let that be a testament to the product.
Want a hot tip? Never eat these unless you’re a
masochist with a penchant for eating chemicals. Buyer beware.
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