Thursday, June 25, 2015

Burning Mouth Feel: Yasso Frozen Greek Yogurt Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Bars

As a lifetime reader, I am continually bombarded with proverbs warning me to seize the day, count my blessings and manage my expectations. I spend hours each week reading and not only reading but mulling over the contents of the books in my head as if to absorb some deeper meaning. Since I spend so much time reading, you would think that I would be impacted, no? Well apparently not. I’m the product that I’m about to review’s fool. My hopes were sky high and the fall was brutal. Ick, flashbacks….

Blessed are those who have portion control. Having self-control is like winning some type of behavioral lottery where you’re actually in control of your actions and decision making. I can only imagine. Summer is here and I am eating like the famine will be here any day now, so I took it upon myself to review a lighter option this time around. I have no problem eating more than one ice cream bar in a sitting and if they are only 100 calories each and there are 4 in the box, then I have no issue with the stigma associated with eating an entire box either.

Yasso Frozen Greek Yogurt Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Bars have the type of labeling on the box where you actually feel good about buying them. They’re high in protein, rBST-free (wtf), all natural ingredients and the list goes on. I think they’re even some type of Kosher. I’m a huge fan of cookie dough, so I was feeling optimistic coming home with this frozen yogurt. Life looked good; my first attempt at being practical.

It was no surprise to me that the box was light. I know what 100 calories of dessert is. It’s not much and it’s more a tease than anything. The box feels like it’s filled with air and there are supposed to be four bars in there. Stay tuned to find out why that was actually a good thing.

The wrapper itself is cute - cheeky even. It’s promising me that I won’t have any regrets unlike that haircut in college. The company doesn’t know me.  A bad haircut would make all of my other college regrets look like a walk in the park, but I digress. All I will say is that whoever chose “No regrets” as the slogan for this frozen yogurt bar most certainly did not put this thing in their mouth.

For most of my desserts, I team it up with a cup of black coffee. It’s not just insulin that my body has probably become resistant to as a result from eating dessert so often. A lot of flavors are dull to me, most likely because of how much sugar is in my diet. This photo serves to show you exactly how small the frozen yogurt bar is. It’s smaller than the circumference of the average coffee cup. One wouldn’t satisfy anybody except for maybe a small child or somebody who is lactose intolerant and looking for a tiny thrill.

Well let’s get on with it. I won’t lie. At first, I absolutely was in love with this. The vanilla was cool and light and there was nothing about the cookie dough that tasted low fat. Sure, the pieces of cookie dough were small, but it’s 100 calories. You can’t pay $15 and stay at the Ritz Carlton. There were probably three blissful moments where I believed that these would become a common place in my freezer to balance out all of the Ben & Jerry’s I eat.

But then, after three minutes and one second my mouth was bombarded with a terrible chemical taste and what felt like a light burn. There may have been a flash of panic across my face. I had nearly inhaled the entire bar when it came to this and I was stunned. How could this be? How could the tides turn in such an instant? Just when I was getting comfortable. I ran to the sink and started to rinse my mouth out, but the damage was done. I’ve searched reviews to see if anyone else has had this experience and while there are mixed reviews, nobody was as deeply disturbed palette-wise as I was. The other three bars were tossed into my trash. The first time in the history of my existence that I voluntarily disposed of ice cream. Let that be a testament to the product.

Want a hot tip? Never eat these unless you’re a masochist with a penchant for eating chemicals. Buyer beware.

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